Via Don Surber…What Big Oil Should Say…
……harms the planet.“I am here to tell you that you can take your tax incentives and shove it up your smug, self-satisfied seats. You tell us we must conserve energy and yet I notice your thermostats are set at 70 in the summer and that you each have an SUV provided by the taxpayers.“$2 billion a year in tax incentives to be split among 6 oil companies? You think we care? That’s a pittance. I need neither the paperwork or aggravation such as being called here every year to be treated like excrement because you people are unwilling to do your job. I could be out on the golf course getting lessons from Tiger Woods right now instead of dealing with you fools.“As president and CEO of Porkaloin Oil, I have news for you: I don’t need you. I’m using this occasion to announce that Porkaloin Oil is shutting down all USA operations beginning with our refineries, which stopped accepting oil a week ago.“Our world headquarters will move from Houston to Hong Kong. Only a few of our 27,000 employees will move there. Don’t worry, everyone gets a year’s salary as severance. As for the 10,000 gas stations, we will pay each franchisee $100,000. We sold what few oil wells we have in the USA to Exxon for a buck.“All in all, this move will cost us a ten billion bucks, maybe twenty. I wrote the number down somewhere in my papers but it does not matter. Whatever the figure is, it is worth it to tell you all to go to hell. We produce 3% of the world’s oil. We can sell it anywhere. I chose China.“We’ll build gas stations there, employing Chinese construction crews and later hire Chinese gas jockeys to run them. Eventually, we will hand the stations over to local operators because retail is a pain in the ass.“Our Chinese refineries will be built and run by the Chinese. Our Chinese pipelines will be built and run by the Chinese. Our payroll will go to the Chinese. Our taxes will go to the Chinese.“By moving to China, I will make more money. Of course. They buy more cars and they have a potential market 4 times as large as this country. And I won’t have to deal with the likes of you. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, dealing with the Chi-comm communists is easier and more profitable than dealing with the whacko government of the land of my birth.“Here in the USA, you’ll be screwed. Houston will be a ghost town. Schools across America will have to cut back as those closed gas stations no longer will pay property taxes. Property values will fall as well. The people we employ will no longer pay income tax. And of course, fewer gas stations means less gasoline is available to buy; prices will rise. My accountants tell me gas in the USA will reach $5 a gallon within a week of this announcement. We’ll see.“As for China, gasoline prices are about to fall as another player enters that market.“Big Oil will do what textiles, steel and even automobiles have done. See ya.”And then he will rise and waddle out of the Senate hearing room with his briefcase, filled with $100 bills that are for some reason sticking out, get in his mile long limo and drive away.